Confronting others.....Biblical model

Matthew 18:15-16 (NLT)

”If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.” 

You learn that someone in your church is gossiping about you and/or is spreading gossip about someone else.  You know (or strongly suspect) that a believer is lying.  You have a problem with your pastor or another leader in your church.  There is a disciplinary problem that must be resolved.  What are you to do?  Here are guidelines; well, actual steps, that a Christian must abide by when needing to confront another believer about a sin situation.

There are three steps, if necessary, although you always hope that the first one is all that is needed.  You first have a private conversation with the individual who has offended you and try to work out a resolution.  If that does not solve the problem, you bring 1-2 witnesses and meet again.  If that does not work, then you take the matter before the entire church body.  In situations that I have been involved with or heard about, most situations get resolved with the first private meeting or, if not, the matter is not pursued further (although it should be).  Taking a sinful matter to the third step rarely happens and when it does, it almost always involves the pastor or other leader of the church body.   

Let’s look deeper at some of the words of Jesus.  The first word “if” is important.  Confrontation should be avoided if at all possible.  Be sure that there is a valid reason to confront.  If a rumor is circulating and not going away, this is a valid reason to meet privately with someone and find out the truth.

Jesus’ emphasis here is dealing only with other believers although the principle of confronting someone in private rather than avoiding him/her (or, worse, talking to others about that person) is always the right thing to do.  The person you confront should be someone close to you, not someone with whom there is little or no relationship. 

Jesus is requiring action (“go”) rather than doing nothing (but continuing to brood or pout about it).  The action requires only you and the person who has offended you, no one else.  This is a very big step, it takes a lot of courage, and most people don’t do anything.  Thus, the sinful action continues and things never get better. 

You reprove in private.  Anyone who supervises others knows that one of the basic principles of good management is to deal with critical problems with an employee in private.  Indeed this biblical principle in the business world applies in that if an employee who has been confronted for unacceptable performance in private does not change, then the supervisor’s next step is to get others involved to enable the employee to change or the result is the kind of rejection that Jesus talks about at the end of verse 17.    

The word Jesus used for “point out” (other translations uses words such as “tell”, “show”, “point out the fault”, “make clear”) is “elegcho” that means “by conviction to bring to the light”.  You go to the offender and deal with the truth, enable them to see the error of their way, but not to punish or shame the person.  Your motive must be love for the person and love for others (i.e. the church) with the ultimate goal of eliminating the sin and cleansing the sinner.

You are not to start thinking about “who do I need to confront”, but be aware of Jesus’ guidance if you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to confront a brother or sister in Christ.  And, be sure to examine yourself first, that there is nothing in your life that could be causing another to seek to confront you.