Commands to wives and husbands

Colossians 3:18-19 (NLT)

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord.  And you husbands must love your wives and never treat them harshly

Why do some wives bristle when they are reminded of the biblical command to submit to their husbands?  These two verses give two answers.  First, the wife does not belong to the Lord.  Second, her husband does not love her as he should and treats her harshly.  Let’s analyze these two answers more carefully.

First, Paul is writing to wives in verse 18, not husbands, so a man cannot take this verse and command his wife to do what it says.  It is up to the wife to apply this teaching, not the husband.  Husbands should never attempt to enforce this command on their wives.  Paul is writing to believers in Christ so if a married woman is not a Christian (has not applied Romans 10:9-10 in her life), she is not under obligation to submit to her husband.  Submission is connected to “fitting” in verse 18 and “fitting” (“aneko” in the Greek) literally means “pertaining to what is due”.  If a wife is a Christian (“belong to the Lord”) then she is obligated to follow this command and to submit to her husband.  A Christian wife is obligated to obey her Lord and is willing to do whatever He commands.  Without that intimate relationship with Christ, there’s little hope that a wife would readily submit to her husband. Also, note that a wife is to submit only to her own husband, not any other man.  The word “submit” is from the Greek word “hupotasso”, a present tense verb that connotes a daily lifestyle of the wife voluntarily putting herself under the authority of her husband. 

Second, a Christian wife will bristle at putting herself under authority to a husband who is not following Christ as Lord and not loving or treating his wife sacrificially as Christ did for the church (Ephesians 5:25).  If a husband treats his wife harshly, she will have a very hard time trying to obey the command to submit to him.  The Greek word for “harshly” means “to make bitter” “to exasperate”, “render angry”.  The number one problem of marital relationship in the home is anger.  Husbands embitter their wives and create anger in the home.

Husbands, listen to what the Lord is telling you—you must love your wife and never treat her harshly.  These are absolute statements—you must love her and you never treat her harshly.  The word for love here is agapao, another present tense action word, meaning to love her continuously with action, not just words.  Agapao love is sacrificial love, meaning that you always put her needs first before your own.  I heard a minister preach once that this command to love your wife is the most difficult of all commands in the Bible for men because men are so naturally selfish and filled with ego.  Wow, what an indictment against husbands. 

You can rationalize these verses all you want, believing such lies that these verses applied centuries/millennia ago, but doesn’t apply to today’s culture.  Yet, there’s always this one incontrovertible truth that makes too much sense to deny----if a husband shows agape love to his wife and she sees the sincerity of that love, then it will be no problem for her to submit to the authority of her loving husband. 

I read the following in a Treasury of Bible Illustrations (AMG Publications, 1993) although the author was not given:  “The closer husbands and wives walk with Christ the easier their lives together will become.  Show me a husband and wife who are unfaithful to the Lord and I’ll show you a couple in deep trouble.  Will a Christian wife nag and complain and bemoan everything or will she be a radiant help-meet for the man with whom she chose to live out her life?  Will a husband come home and sequester himself behind the evening news if he really wants to demonstrate Christian love?”   

Both wives and husbands need to re-evaluate/re-examine their relationship in light of Colossians 3:18-19, Ephesians 5:22-25, and I Peter 3:1-7.  Where are the fault lines?  What needs to be re-established?  Who needs to confess to the other?  Where can adjustments be made to make your marriage strong again?  Remember that the love of Christ needs to be at the center of your relationship and His Spirit within each of you to enable you to apply the truths of these verses.